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| Well, big surprise. I did it again and was misinterpreting messages. So i again get a new friend, but nothing more. This isnt too bad because she is an incredibly nice person, but its incredibly discouraging at the same time.
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| So yeah...if you havent read my last post this wont make much sense, but it seems that again im screwing up anything that might possibly be happening. Its come to my attention, that ive possibly been a little to open about my interests, and not been maybe discreet enough for the stage at which i am at, and that i need to just pursue friendship for now. This is so aggravating to me, because i know its because of myself. I wish it was easier to not like someone, than it is to like someone. So im trying to figure out why i am trying to hard, when im trying not to try at all. I know talking to her 2 - 4 times a day may be alot, but in my mind its not that much. This may just all be a jumble of my thoughts, but whatever.
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| Well this post is gonna be a little different than most of mine. Alot of the time i get on to rant and complain about things going wrong in my life, but this time i just wanna talk about some of the stuff ive been figuring out or im trying to or in the process of figuring out. Lately ive been thinking alot about girls and stuff, and ive gotten to the point here at Tabor, where I dont think there is anything more i can do to find someone for me. This said, i just started not doing anything and not trying or worrying about finding someone. Through this i have been talking to a really cool girl, who im starting to really like, and it appears to me, might actually like me back, though i could be horribly mistaken. But it seems like more than a coincidence that when i finally decide that there is nothing i can do, and decide that if anything is going to happen God has to make it happen, that i meet probably the nicest, or at least one of the nicest girls ive known. Ive been trying to figure this out more by asking God for signs as to whether or not this is from him, but so far ive seen things that might be signs, but nothing definite, which is starting to make me nervous. Im trying to be cautious about asking God for signs, because i dont want to miss one and keep asking him for more, and be completely oblivious to anything he is trying to teach me, but i also dont want to pursue anything that isnt within his perfect will for my life. So, if any of you have any advice on this im listening.
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| This week has been, not the worst, but a pretty bad week. It starts off by a friend of mine, in my opinion, saying to another friend of mine, that im not worth helping find a "date" for Sadie Hawkins, because i might think that they wanted to be more than friends, which i wouldnt have, had it been stated to me. So then tonight, i get thrown out of a flag football game for defending myself. I got elbowed in the throat, and attempted to do the same back, but ended up just shoving the guy, and making a few statements to him. That was bad, but the evening got worse. Ive determined, that many of my "friends" that i thought laughed with me actually prefer to laugh at me. So, ive come to the conclusion that there is nothing good left for me here at Tabor. If it were feasible, I would transfer without a second thought, but since its not im just going to have to put of with the crappiness of tabor and finish out the year. So for all of you who might care about me at least a little, if you really do laugh with me and not at me, let me know cause it would mean alot. This speaks nothing to the fact that i am incredibly lonely and feel like i have nothing to live for because no girl wants anything more out of me than a friend whom they can see when THEY feel THEY have time, not when I need someone to talk to. So if anyone out there feels like listening to a bunch of crap from me, let me know cause im really sick of bottling it all up inside and waiting for it to explode as it did tonight at flag football. Sorry for the complaints, but maybe someone can actually have empathy for me instead of just sympathy which is a worthless load of crap.
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| Ok, so my last entry probably made no sense to any of the 1 or 2 people that probably read it, but oh well. ive got a more answerable question to pose to all of you. how can i convince my friends to come visit me. im tired of doing all the visiting, i need some attention too. im sick of always giving in every relationship in my life, and receiving back so little from those that i give to. tonight im really frustrated and kinda annoyed that people come to see my roommate, but not me. they may be both of our friends, but the come primarily to see him. im trying to figure out if there is something repulsive about me that makes it so people can tolerate me if i come to see them, but that im not the kind of person they would ever want to hang out with, or go out of there way to see. this evening has been really depressing for me, as nearly every friday was last year, and probably will be again this year. sorry for the complaining, but i figure who gives a **** on here. its better to do it on here than in person, which im trying not to do.
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